It's been a long time. I came back to visit this blog and was so entertained while looking back on these posts. I regret nothing, and respect everything about my past. 'My past' I speak of as if it were more than five months ago. But, the past is the past. The spring semester ended horrendously. And I analyzed it and wrote about it enough in my journal such that it should be dead and gone by now but of course it never will be. But, last January I was wishing for a nice spring. And I got it, for roughly three of the five months I was absent from this blog. Now that I think about it, I got exactly what I wanted. I ruined it, it the end. I mean, the other party involved certainly played their part  but I'm afraid it was mostly me. The ruiner. Which resulted in so many sleepless nights and so many hours at the gym, all in an effort to exhaust me when really all I ended up doing was laying on my back with my eyes shut pretending to be asleep, for many days and nights. I may have just been sleeping walking for the past five months, who knows? But I'm up. I'm awake, I can smell the wind and the change in the air. I'm not saying that it's going to be good, what I'm saying is that I hope it's going to be good. No more plans, no more plans involving anyone except for me. Looking back on this blog has helped me remember that I'm the only one who should be in charge of my life, no one other person should be making me feel bad things because this is my life. If I want to feel good and have fun then I should just let myself, right? I don't know how to 'break the chains' and stop listening to what other people say and taking everything so seriously, I don't know where to start but! I know I'm still here, I know I survived and even though I am still so tired, I know that I made it this far and that's pretty cool, you know?

i just saw something very, incredibly sad involving a coworker and oh jeez. it made me want to quit blogging and that's what i'm doing. it's finally occurred to me how pointless it is to record my thoughts online because it doesn't just disappear and i don't want to pretend that's not true. i am not like her, making a fool of myself. if i was, it's going to stop now. the best way to remain anonymous is to remain anonymous. and not to make a youtube video saying that i despise my job. oh lord, what was she thinking? signing off now, going to live my life and stop thinking in terms of statuses and posts, what will go over well and what won't. i am so over this. i'll still check in with my regulars though, to see what's up but i am not longer a blogger. that whole mess embarrassed me beyond belief and now i'm done.



H

the saga i think, is over.

i saw you heading out last week. we left at the same time. i was a little quicker though, already in my car when i saw you in the middle of the parking garage. you were walking with someone, another girl. what i didn't understand was why i thought no other girls existed in your life. you were laughing. if not for any reason other than you were off the clock finally and headed home. as i rounded the corner i looked and you had a huge smile on your face and your eyes looked dazed. she wasn't anyone i recognized. and i suppose that's when the spell was broken. and now, here, today, my feelings no longer exist. i'm not jealous at all, when i saw you looking so happy it kind of made me happy. so there was that. i suppose i was being the bigger person for putting a halt on this inappropriate quasi relationship. but i don't know, i will miss some things. but it's cool if you're cool now. things haven't been awkward since, it's only awkward if you make it awkward and making things awkward is not my style.

my mother decided to buy the beatles greatest hits "1" album the last time she was in starbucks so of course i borrowed it to upload to my music library. which i did in the same amount of time it took to write this post. including the time my dell got stuck on 'the ballad of john and yoko' in which i had to listen to some scary electrical sounds coming from my laptop. scary as in, oh-shit-if-this-breaks-what-am-i-gonna-dooooo? but nothing happened that wasn't supposed to, the songs are there and the disc came out so that's that.

we are meeting for breakfast this morning. i hate meeting people for breakfast, unless they're cool and they say okay let's meet at 8:30am. that i can do. but my mother says things like okay let's meet around 10am. she prefers a brunch-y type things whereas i end up drinking two cups of coffee and eating something by that time. it's almost nine and i'm about to get my second cup so there you have it. i may be able to hold out on food for a little while but we'll see.

and you know what, this cd is really depressing me right now.


H

hoodie

http://www.thesartorialist.com/

oh man this is basically me like, all the time. don't look at me, yep. i have those moments a lot. except minus the smoke cloud.

everything will be alright

i hate money talks, i hate money, i hate bank accounts, i hate being hassled..seemingly only talking to my parents when something comes up; being paranoid about my paycheck every friday, my hours fluctuate so much one week i'm full-time and the next week i have two shifts, ehhh so it goes. i am so thankful for my fall back, my parents are always, always there but what if they weren't? i literally shudder to think on that thought any further. it's not possible. i need the security, of having security. how do you get that? how do you get to that point without collapsing of exauhastion? so far everything has been hard and so that's how i know it will all be worth it, yes? i know it will all be worth it.

no. 11, where you sleep. with my dog, natch. and a small painting by my grandpa hanging on the wall overhead. sweet dreams,

bless

one year ago a horrific tragedy took place that affected so many lives and changed mine forever.

i remember sitting at home eating lunch with my mother and brother, my mother turned the tv on and we saw the grave faces of the local news anchors, we had no idea what was going on and neither did they. soon it was on the national news, everyone, cnn, was trying to figure out what happened. the details came out little by little and i couldn't sleep for days.

the tragedy that took place in tucson is heart-wrenching, it is all still fresh in my mind. the thing that disturbed me the most was the man who committed the crime, how does someone get to that point of insanity? how alone must he have felt, how misunderstood? what must his parents be feeling? how could our state representative have possibly survived? i had nightmares of that man's face, horrible dreams for weeks. i developed a fear that itched at me every time i went outside, who was out there? what could happen to me if i was in the wrong place at the wrong time?

this led me on my own personal journey in discovering how deep my faith, my belief goes.

equally as important was how this tragedy changed my feelings towards journalism. my dream growing up was to be a broadcast journalist, i spent years working on school newspapers and yearbooks, i requested applications for one of the most distinguished journalism school right here in my very city.

and then this happened, and all of the world, it seemed, was watching tucson. john king from cnn, was live from tucson. anderson cooper, wolf blitzer. they were in my own backyard talking about the news..the news. the news was that lives had been lost and a city was tipped on the edge and panic and fear and sorrow were everywhere. it wasn't news, i thought. it was life, loss of life.

that's when it occurred to me that that is what the news is and always has been and there was no way i could ever distance myself from that ever-present pain that it entails.

so much of who i am right now stems from last january. i completely changed my school path, i changed my lifestyle, my way of thinking, the thoughts i allow myself to think and the ones i will no longer entertain. i had to decide, if i don't feel confident going into the journalism field, now what? i chose to immerse myself in my books, the passion of literature and writing and reading that i have never been able to stifle.

i knew deep down where i wanted to go and what i wanted to do in my life, i just needed a reminder.

by mid-year in 2011 i decided that i didn't want to continue living my life feeling uneasy, uncomfortable. i have accepted that the only thing i have true control over is myself, and if i want to give myself a good life, then today is the day to start.

i frequently think of the victims and the families of those directly involved in the tucson tragedy and my heart goes out to them.

i will never, ever be able to forget this. i hate that the most beneficial wake-up calls always seem to come from something tragic, like the only way i can take my life seriously is after hearing that someone lost theirs?

it makes no sense. i want to live my life for me, to take it seriously because i take myself seriously.

and if other similar events occur in the future, i will stop and i will take the time to let it sink in but i don't want it to leave me hanging for another year.

last year was all about me building myself back up. so that the next time something comes around the corner and i don't have a chance to duck, if i fall, i won't be left sitting there. i want to be able to jump right back up.

last year i took care of myself. i needed the time and i'm so thankful i got it. this year i'm confident again. i'm not holding back anymore, this year i'm going to fly.

g_d bless you, every one.



truly yours,
H

no. 12: close up

good feeling

i really want to see that movie war horse this weekend and that's about it.

in just a short time the new semester will be starting and i'm excited! i always am, just like an elementary school-aged kid on the first day of school. it's something about the promise of a new school year, all the magical-ness it holds, the not-knowing what will happen but having already convinced yourself it's going to be kick ass.

every year i convince myself the new school year is going to be kick-ass and every year it is! that's a lie, sometimes life ain't fun so that's when you have to make your own rules and set your own goals.

when i was younger, i'm not sure when, i used to "award" myself a new book at the two-month mark of the new school year. and then again at some other point during the year. because i thought eh, i deserve it, you know?

but now it's so much more than a book, now i "award" myself with google time spent searching for grad schools. if i spend too much time doing that i tend to go nuts but every month or so i am back online researching schools. even if i'm not quite ready for grad school yet, i really feel like i need to have some sort of blue print.

so here is the twist: this semester i am not only a full time student but also a part-time employee downtown (in the super-cool-young-and-trendy district i might add :). and i'm really hoping that this will just be like a yin-yang experience, no one part of life interfering with the other. these two, school and work, are what i most don't want to screw up. i've had a reasonable amount of time to adjust to both so i should be able to relax and sit back, and know when to go into super-girl mode if/when necessary.

in the meantime. well, that's all for now.




H